By: Samantha Karagianis

Many families create cherished memories around the holiday table or by the fireside. Unfortunately, feeling that holiday joy at family gatherings can be challenging when a narcissistic family member is involved. 

Dealing with a family member’s narcissistic personality disorder means staying alert to their tactics. A narcissist loves to draw you into drama, often through subtle manipulation, guilt trips, or provocative comments. Recognizing these traps in advance helps you sidestep needless conflict. 

Here are my ideal holiday strategies for avoiding a narcissistic family member’s advances and controlling your emotional responses.

Set Healthy Boundaries for Holiday Gatherings

Clear boundaries are your defense against a narcissist’s antics. Before any gathering, I make it a point to communicate my boundaries to family members using polite but firm language. For example, stating, “We’ll be leaving no later than 7 pm to get the kids home and ready for bed,” sets expectations clearly and removes the chance of misinterpretation.

If you have a partner, discuss your non-negotiable boundaries and establish subtle cues for support when needed. Stand united and tackle the gathering as a team.

In the past, there were times when family members intentionally crossed boundaries in a way that might have caused me to snap, but now I’ve learned to respond calmly and assertively by saying something like, “I’d prefer not to discuss that topic, thank you.” If it persists, I confidently remove myself from the situation. Not reacting emotionally disarms their intent, proving that maintaining your peace is always the optimal strategy.

Remember, when setting boundaries, you do not need to explain yourself to anyone. To avoid the need to overexplain, let go of any guilt about setting limits with family members beforehand. 

The only person you can control is yourself, and boundaries enable you to do that. They empower you to control how you feel, who you surround yourself with, and your response.   

Learning to Limit Contact During the Holidays

Limiting contact can be a practical way to safeguard your peace. Deciding in advance how long you’ll spend at family functions can save you from unnecessary emotional exhaustion. Know that it’s perfectly okay to leave earlier than planned if needed; your peace is more important than adhering to social norms that do not serve you.

To stave off guilt and fill my free time, I aim to create positive, lasting memories for my children by engaging them in fun activities like games, cooking, or treasure hunts that not only serve as a distraction but also as a bonding experience that fosters joy. It’s essential to focus on family members who are genuinely supportive and loving to reinforce a nurturing environment. 

Preparing Your Children Before the Holiday Gathering

Modeling healthy boundaries for my children has always been a priority. Children mimic our behaviors, so it’s crucial to show them that it’s possible to set boundaries without hostility.

I’ve had plenty of moments when I allowed a family member to get under my skin, and these are the moments my kids tend to notice. After all, children are rather astute at picking up on when we say one thing but do another. If we want them to respond calmly and respectfully, we must model that behavior ourselves first.

Growing up, I was taught that saying “no” to my elders was wrong. Today, I see the negative influence that mindset brought even into my adult years, so I am determined that my children will feel empowered to speak their minds and prioritize their peace.

I want my children to develop the critical life skill of speaking up for themselves. Sadly, in some cases, family gatherings are children’s first exposure to hatefulness, which is why they need to learn early how to kindly set boundaries and reinforce self-respect without aggression.

To help your children form happy memories around holiday gatherings, encourage them to spend time with family members who bring positive energy to the event. To distract them during moments of tension, come prepared with activities like cookies to bake, gingerbread to decorate, games to play, or a book to read.

After gatherings, I encourage open conversation to address any concerns. I firmly believe in maintaining an open dialogue with our children and providing them a safe place to share their feelings. 

Make Self-Care Your Holiday Priority

Identifying “safe spaces” before an event helps me take necessary breaks when overwhelmed. Whether it’s stepping outside for fresh air or doing a quick meditation, listen to what your body needs. Returning from a break feeling grounded is more beneficial than pushing through discomfort for appearances’ sake. Remember, staying calm and collected can sometimes be the ultimate power play when your boundaries are challenged.

You may get some looks once you return, or possibly the judgment you feel is all in your head. Whatever the case, return with confidence, knowing how far you’ve come. Sometimes, it’s okay not to return. Feel empowered to leave at your discretion. Preserving your peace is far more important than enduring unnecessary discomfort. 

After the holiday rush, self-care becomes even more essential. I dedicate time solely for myself, whether it’s walking in nature, meditating, or enjoying a quiet day at home. Decompress and recharge to reward yourself for enduring challenging family interactions.

Every family dynamic is different, so be patient with yourself. Take the time to ask yourself the hard questions, dig deep, and peel back the layers. You may find that your peace is worth more than maintaining a relationship for the sake of “family.” 

Remember, being “family” doesn’t give anyone a free pass to disrespect you. Keep that in mind and allow yourself the freedom to set boundaries that protect your well-being and the well-being of your family.

Published by Elle G